Before: An EA in Southans essay states a strong opinion that  “Any break we take from working to reduce suffering throughout the world is like having a leisurely nap beside a lake where thousands of children are screaming for our help.” I do not agree with this statement whatsoever. It is quite extreme to put it in terms like that.

After: According to an EA “ “Any break we take from working to reduce suffering throughout the world is like having a leisurely nap beside a lake where thousands of children are screaming for our help.” The EAs point is that anytime we are not doing something to benefit those in need, it is like we are sitting around and not paying attention to it. I do not agree with this statement whatsoever. It is quite extreme to put it in terms like that.

Before: In the TED TALK  “How Does Music Transform Us?” Zander explains to the audience how much power he is able to have over his players without saying a single word. “But the conductor doesn’t make a sound. He depends, for his power, on his ability to make other people powerful. And that changed everything for me.”

After: In his TED TALK  “How Does Music Transform Us?” Zander maintains that  “But the conductor doesn’t make a sound. He depends, for his power, on his ability to make other people powerful. And that changed everything for me.” Zanders point is that he is able to have the power over the people without saying anything.

Before:

Could it be that everything we do in our lives that isn’t bettering the world is a waste of time? I don’t believe so, but some people would have to disagree. In Rhys Southans essay  “Is it OK to make art?”, he describes a group of very opinionated people known as the Effective Altruism movement (EAs). This is an organization of people who believe that art is in fact a waste of time. Art is something that we encounter ourselves with on the daily whether it be, listening to music or just an image that we see somewhere. Although art may not always be benefiting every part of the world, it is able to have a major positive impact on people everywhere, and is able to have an effect on a people in a way that certain things aren’t able to. As Steven Soderbergh stated in Southans essay “I want to thank anyone who spends part of their day creating. I don’t care if it’s a book, a film, a painting, a dance, a piece of theatre, a piece of music. Anybody who spends part of their day sharing their experience with us. I think this world would be unlivable without art.” Art is able to help shape the world together as a whole and help add creativity and knowledge into anyones mind.

After:

Could it be that everything we do in our lives that isn’t bettering the world is a waste of time? I don’t believe so, but some people would have to disagree. In Rhys Southans essay  “Is it OK to make art?”, he describes a group of very opinionated people known as the Effective Altruism movement (EAs). This is an organization of people who believe that art is in fact a waste of time. Art is something that we encounter ourselves with on the daily whether it be, listening to music or just an image that we see somewhere. Although art may not always be benefiting every part of the world, it is able to have a major positive impact on people everywhere, and is able to have an effect on a people in a way that certain things aren’t able to. When listening to Benjamin Zander’s TED TALK “How Does Music Transform Us?” it was able to prove to me how much just one piece of art is able to have on a person. Art is able to help shape the world together as a whole and help add creativity and knowledge into anyones mind.

Before:

The EAs portray art in a negative way to try and convince people that it is a waste of  time. In reality art is something we need to help the world to grow and to help people express themselves. Art is more than what the EAs make it seem to be and I believe that many people rely on art every single day. The EAs make some important claims that I agree with, but I do not agree with the fact that art is getting in the way.    

After:

 The EAs portray art in a negative way to try and convince people that it is a waste of  time. In reality art is something we need to help the world to grow and to help people express themselves. Art is more than what the EAs make it seem to be and I believe that many people rely on art every single day. The EAs make some important claims that I agree with, but I do not agree with the fact that art is getting in the way. Each artist has their own special skill that they bring to the table and have something different to offer to the world. The EAs present artit in a negative way and make them seem like they are all in it for the money and themselves, this may be true for some artist but certainly not all.

Changes made: I went through and read all the comments that my group had to say to me. This was very helpful and having a second opinion on what you wrote helps to improve it. I got very helpful feedback to help better my thesis and conclusion, which were the main parts of the essay that I was concerned with. I made sure to give more of my opinion in the thesis and take out one of the quotes I had that did not belong. I also made sure to add in my TED TALK to the thesis. In my conclusion my group all suggested that I took a part of a paragraph above and moved it to my conclusion as the last sentence. I think this helped end it better, and was a better place to put it. Having the comments on my paper from my group was very helpful and I was able to make major changes in my paper and able to get help with what I was struggling with the most.   

 After reading Lamott’s writing and then going back and reviewing my own, it really made me feel better about my rough draft. She talks throughout about how it is perfectly okay if your first draft isn’t the best and how it is something you are able to build off of in the future when you continue to work on writing your second and third drafts. I like how she talks about writing down just any ides that you have on a sheet of paper and to just write down any sentences that come to mind. Then she says to go back and highlight the ones that you think are the most important and actually have a helpful use and could be put in the paper. By doing this you are able to get many thoughts down quick and have them all in front of you to choose the ones that make the most sense. She explains how a bad first draft happens to everyone which made me feel a lot better about mine. You just have to start somewhere and build on from there until you get to a point that you are happy with.

Revision Plan

One of my main goals to help better my paper is to make my thesis stronger. I need to make sure that the information in my thesis is being talked about throughout my entire paper so that it is able to all come together and make sense. I would really like for my thesis to be one of my best parts of the paper because it is the first thing that people will be reading so I want to make sure it is able to grab their attention and make them interested in the rest of the paper. The first step I plan to take is writing down all of the main points that I want to address in the essay so I am able to make sure that they are all included throughout my draft. Second I will put these together in sentences to make sure it is able to all flow together in an order that makes the most sense. One of my biggest challenges has been creating my conclusion. I am having trouble not just summarizing what I wrote instead of actually having a conclusion that is well written and bring the essay to a close as a whole. To solve this problem I will make sure to look at my notes I was given from the people who read my essay and take their suggestions to help make my conclusion.    

This first stage of peer review has already really taught me a lot. I think it’s a great way to receive feedback from your peers and get constructive criticism. Also, being able to read others work helps you to look back on your own writing and see if there are any changes that are able to be made within your own essay. Receiving comments on the paper is something that is extremely helpful because when other people read your work they may pick up on mistakes that you don’t see, and also have ideas for you to make your essay stronger. Overall the peer review is an important and helpful thing when writing a paper.

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After reading Rhys Southans “Is it OK to make art art?” and listening to Benjamin Zander’s TED TALK “How does music transform us?” I was able to put the two together and create my own opinion about art. My opinion is that art is very important in this world and that we do in fact need it. I believe that art is able to have such a positive and powerful impact on everyone. One example that really made me believe so was when in the TED TALK when Zander explained to the audience to listen to the classical music piece and have someone in your mind who you love with your entire heart , but do not have in your life anymore. A boy in the audience told him how he had lost his brother a year ago and did not cry, but when listening to the piece he could feel the tears streaming down his face. This to me shows how much of a powerful effect art can have on a person. Between the essay and the TED TALK a lot of facts and opinions were stated and brainstorming helped me to lay out those facts. In Front of me having the EAs opinions from the essay and then important notes from the TED TALK helped me to create my overall opinion that art is important and not a waste of time.

I chose Benjamin Zander’s TED TALK “How Does Music Transform Us?” He discusses how powerful the art of music is and how much of an impact it can have on a person’s life. He describes how there are all different  groups of people who appreciate classical music in different ways. He states how when he is conducting he is able to have power over the players. He explains how he doesnt make a single sound but his power makes the other people have power. He also states “if the eyes are shining you know you are doing it.” This shows that you know you are having an impact and doing the right thing when you see the shine in others eyes.When he tells the audience to think of someone they love with their entire heart, but no longer have in their life anymore it really shows how powerful classical music can be. He tells them to have that one person in your mind the entire time and you will understand everything about the music piece he was playing. He explains how this music has been able to touch many lives, and how he doesnt know it was able to touch everyone’s life but he knows for a fact it had an impact on one person in particular. He tells the story about how one boy who had never listened to classical music before, but when he played that song it brought him back to when his brother was shot. He says how he didn’t cry at the time but when that piece was played he could feel the tears running down his face. This made Benjamin truly believe in the fact that classical music is for everyone. “It really makes a difference what we say” This was one of the messages he added in at the end. It shows that you should always try to be careful what the last thing you say to a person is because you honestly never know if you will see them again. Benjamin Zander is able to prove in this TED TALK how powerful music can truly be to the society.

After rereading Southans essay “Is it OK to make art?” and visiting the Effective Altruism website I was able to have a new perspective while reading the text, and also create new observations. When reading this a second time I noticed different details that I did not the first time. After having the class discussion and getting into small groups and having a discussion it made understanding the main points in the essay lot easier. When decoding the text there were many words that I did not understand. One word was coalescing, which means to come together and form one mass or whole. Another word that I did not know was utilitarianism. I was able to go onto “Dictionary.com” to find these definitions. Rereading also helped to strengthen the annotations that I had made the first time and I was able to annotate more important ideas and pay attention to the more important details. This helped me to better grasp the overall concept of the essay. One thing that I noticed was when Southan claimed that an EA Michael Bitton stated “‘is that nothing is sacred.'” I disagree with this statement because the EAs consider helping people as their main goal. Therefore they do hold helping people sacred, because this is something that is very important and meaningful to them. Rereading helped me to better understand the overall main points of the essay and after visiting the website it  helped give me a different mindset while reading.

After rereading Southans essay “Is it OK to make art?” and visiting the Effective Altruism website I was able to have a new perspective while reading the text, and also create new observations. When reading this a second time I noticed different details that I did not the first time. After having the class discussion and getting into small groups and having a discussion it made understanding the main points in the essay lot easier. When decoding the text there were many words that I did not understand. One word was coalescing, which means to come together and form one mass or whole. Another word that I did not know was utilitarianism. I was able to go onto “Dictionary.com” to find these definitions. Rereading also helped to strengthen the annotations that I had made the first time and I was able to annotate more important ideas and pay attention to the more important details. This helped me to better grasp the overall concept of the essay. One thing that I noticed was when Southan claimed that an EA Michael Bitton stated “‘is that nothing is sacred.'” I disagree with this statement because the EAs consider helping people as their main goal. Therefore they do hold helping people sacred, because this is something that is very important and meaningful to them. Rereading helped me to better understand the overall main points of the essay and after visiting the website it  helped give me a different mindset while reading.

My favorite color is blue.