Before:
Could it be that everything we do in our lives that isn’t bettering the world is a waste of time? I don’t believe so, but some people would have to disagree. In Rhys Southans essay “Is it OK to make art?”, he describes a group of very opinionated people known as the Effective Altruism movement (EAs). This is an organization of people who believe that art is in fact a waste of time. Art is something that we encounter ourselves with on the daily whether it be, listening to music or just an image that we see somewhere. Although art may not always be benefiting every part of the world, it is able to have a major positive impact on people everywhere, and is able to have an effect on a people in a way that certain things aren’t able to. As Steven Soderbergh stated in Southans essay “I want to thank anyone who spends part of their day creating. I don’t care if it’s a book, a film, a painting, a dance, a piece of theatre, a piece of music. Anybody who spends part of their day sharing their experience with us. I think this world would be unlivable without art.” Art is able to help shape the world together as a whole and help add creativity and knowledge into anyones mind.
After:
Could it be that everything we do in our lives that isn’t bettering the world is a waste of time? I don’t believe so, but some people would have to disagree. In Rhys Southans essay “Is it OK to make art?”, he describes a group of very opinionated people known as the Effective Altruism movement (EAs). This is an organization of people who believe that art is in fact a waste of time. Art is something that we encounter ourselves with on the daily whether it be, listening to music or just an image that we see somewhere. Although art may not always be benefiting every part of the world, it is able to have a major positive impact on people everywhere, and is able to have an effect on a people in a way that certain things aren’t able to. When listening to Benjamin Zander’s TED TALK “How Does Music Transform Us?” it was able to prove to me how much just one piece of art is able to have on a person. Art is able to help shape the world together as a whole and help add creativity and knowledge into anyones mind.
Before:
The EAs portray art in a negative way to try and convince people that it is a waste of time. In reality art is something we need to help the world to grow and to help people express themselves. Art is more than what the EAs make it seem to be and I believe that many people rely on art every single day. The EAs make some important claims that I agree with, but I do not agree with the fact that art is getting in the way.
After:
The EAs portray art in a negative way to try and convince people that it is a waste of time. In reality art is something we need to help the world to grow and to help people express themselves. Art is more than what the EAs make it seem to be and I believe that many people rely on art every single day. The EAs make some important claims that I agree with, but I do not agree with the fact that art is getting in the way. Each artist has their own special skill that they bring to the table and have something different to offer to the world. The EAs present artit in a negative way and make them seem like they are all in it for the money and themselves, this may be true for some artist but certainly not all.
Changes made: I went through and read all the comments that my group had to say to me. This was very helpful and having a second opinion on what you wrote helps to improve it. I got very helpful feedback to help better my thesis and conclusion, which were the main parts of the essay that I was concerned with. I made sure to give more of my opinion in the thesis and take out one of the quotes I had that did not belong. I also made sure to add in my TED TALK to the thesis. In my conclusion my group all suggested that I took a part of a paragraph above and moved it to my conclusion as the last sentence. I think this helped end it better, and was a better place to put it. Having the comments on my paper from my group was very helpful and I was able to make major changes in my paper and able to get help with what I was struggling with the most.
Did you have a chance to read the Little Seagull, as well? They have some important things to say about claim sentences among other things. As you continue to revise your intro paragraph, consider withholding some of your opinions until later paragraphs. As we discussed in class on Thursday, when you are using the summary to introduce your sources, it’s better to try to strike a balance between serving your argument and serving the integrity of the source.