Before: An EA in Southans essay states a strong opinion that “Any break we take from working to reduce suffering throughout the world is like having a leisurely nap beside a lake where thousands of children are screaming for our help.” I do not agree with this statement whatsoever. It is quite extreme to put it in terms like that.
After: According to an EA “ “Any break we take from working to reduce suffering throughout the world is like having a leisurely nap beside a lake where thousands of children are screaming for our help.” The EAs point is that anytime we are not doing something to benefit those in need, it is like we are sitting around and not paying attention to it. I do not agree with this statement whatsoever. It is quite extreme to put it in terms like that.
Before: In the TED TALK “How Does Music Transform Us?” Zander explains to the audience how much power he is able to have over his players without saying a single word. “But the conductor doesn’t make a sound. He depends, for his power, on his ability to make other people powerful. And that changed everything for me.”
After: In his TED TALK “How Does Music Transform Us?” Zander maintains that “But the conductor doesn’t make a sound. He depends, for his power, on his ability to make other people powerful. And that changed everything for me.” Zanders point is that he is able to have the power over the people without saying anything.
I like some things from that last paragraph’s first paragraph that you cut.
What if you wrote something like this:
In the TED TALK “How Does Music Transform Us?” Zander explains to the audience how much power he is able to have over his players without saying a single word. He says that the conductor “depends, for his power, on his ability to make other people powerful. And that changed everything for [him].” Zanders point is that he is able to have the power over the people without saying anything.
I also want to push you to elaborate on your analysis. Try to go beyond simply restating what the quote has just said. Connect the quote with your ongoing argument. Explain how it advances, complicates, or develops your paragraph’s claim sentence.